In this entry and the next, I look at the relationship between science, magic… and what we think they are. First, I reveal the ignorance of science as it does not care about first-hand knowledge and emotional experience, but only theory and description. Are not our very emotions a result of these processes which we treat with such logical indifference?

Different humans can have very different perspectives on things. In many conflicts, it’s never enough to just point out the facts and agree upon them. That’s not what those conflicts are about, and yet some people just won’t understand that. Why?

Well… fact, or information, is power. This has — naturally — given much power to information. And what is information all about? I’ll tell you. It’s about 0 and 1. Black and white. North and south. Jedi and Sith. All information is either valid or invalid. Information, the great power of our time, doesn’t care about anything else.

But we humans are different. No matter what science, the INFORMATIVE study of everything, says, no matter if we consist of particles and waves chock full of information itself, we do care. When we think something is sad, we do not mean that it is valid or invalid. No, it’s sad, and that’s that! And this is proof enough for me that the world really consists of far more than just information.

So perhaps the focus on information is a bad thing for us. Perhaps we should boo on all the governments and the institutions and the companies who made it and sustain it that way.

Or perhaps, to actually make a difference, we ought to realize that this imperfect system of ours isn’t anybody’s fault, but the result of thousands of years of battle — a battle between good and bad and ignorant intentions. And that the most important thing isn’t that society molds us into brainless dolls that do the right things without really getting it. It is that we understand it ourselves and do what is right IN SPITE OF any flaws in society.

Onwards to the point. We’re living in a modern world where science dictates the development of our lives. But as I have said, science is blind in its lack of emotion. This is a potential whoop-ass problem that’s only getting worse. We’re forgetting ourselves, ignoring the parts of us that science does not approve of.

So it’s clear that science isn’t enough here. But science is about the whole everything, and we are just a little part of that whole everything. So if science isn’t enough to define us, then it sure can’t be enough to define the whole world! It even makes me wonder: if the world can produce life, with all its quirks and emotions, can it produce equally magnificent things also elsewhere? And here’s the source of my ponderings, the reason for my subject: imagine all the things that neither we nor science can see.

I’m a physics student, and throughout my studies, I have gotten to know many strange things. Natural laws that we could never have guessed, connections we could never have foreseen… and these things are the tiny building blocks of insanely complex happenings out there. As complex as us humans? Perhaps.

In the middle of our complexity, we have a consciousness. We have feelings, and we appreciate art. And science just doesn’t get it. But it’s there alright. So I can’t help but wonder: how many other things like this are there, out in the vast cosmos, that science and information can never understand, never touch?

We have a lot of new discoveries ahead of us.

This is the inconvenient truth  that sometimes, bad things happen, and if you don’t realize it, it will only get worse. Sometimes we even have to save ourselves from ourselves. That is when we must stand up to our own feelings and relieve ourselves of involuntary torments. That, or live our lives in fear and distress.

Throughout life, people bond. Not only with eachother, but perhaps even more so with all they experience. We bond with memories, with emotions, habits, norms and with ourselves.

Bonds form, and bonds break. Many break because they were weak, and they make space for greater bonds, and we do not even notice. Meanwhile, some bonds are much stronger, and will become a background for our life for a long time to come. New bonds will be made on top of these strong bonds, and rely on them to hold.

They do not always hold. Even strong bonds can break; and whether they connected us to other people, to a daily life we used to have, to our place of birth or even to a scent or a color — the feeling is much the same. The difference lies only in the nature of the bond and what we can do about it. Naturally, the death of someone we know is hardest because we have the strongest bonds with them, and nothing can bring them back.

Parts of us die along with the ones we love. Parts of us also die along with other bonds. The truth of this points out a rather revelatory fact:

We are the sum of all we hold dear.

I have already written about the importance of making new bonds and the courage to let go of what you have already lost. Today, I wish to inspire the ability to see bonds clearly and understand them.

This does not come from my heart, for my heart would not agree. But sometimes, you make bonds that turn against you. It can be an unrequited love, a mistaken norm, and it can even be a direct bond with destructive emotions like melancholy.

Sometimes you cannot even see the fault. And even when you do, you still do not wish for change — because of the bond, because you feel and know that a part of you lies in this bond. And you don’t want to die. So you keep the bond.

Under other circumstances, the affection from the bond would conquer the force of truth that would sever it. Would not a courteous soldier spare the life of an offender, was he bidden by the man’s infant daughter? But we’re talking about circumstances where the girl, mistreated by her tyrant father, obeys him yet in blind affection, whilst rotting within from the corruption of the situation.

The tyrants I wish to denounce, are those inside the girl’s mind. Instead of her father, it can be a depression, a bad habit or even a memory (most likely all of them combined). There are many inside tyrants, and they are cunning in their manipulation; so cunning that we can’t easily see their reign over us.

With open eyes, however, it is possible to face the demons. And here’s the catch. No less than in a real battle, your safety will be on the line. You might return defeated and weaker than ever, and you might return victorious, but not unharmed. In any case — I will not hide it — you will lose something of yourself, something that will never return.

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.” (Ambrose Redmoon)

And then you will be free.

Still, I have often contemplated on having missed out on several years of my life. Years I could’ve learned what all the others did, years I could’ve understood them and the world better. Instead of being alone in my room, I could’ve been in the company of good friends, doing something we all liked doing together. And in the presence of these good friends, I could’ve grown more as a human being.

But no. Since humans were so clearly different from what I knew in myself, I didn’t want to be like them. I wanted to be other things. Like a dragon, or a unicorn. That was what I dreamed of growing up and becoming: a being of integrity, purity, and great ideals. Something I could not see in humans.

A misplaced child, hidden from the variety that is human nature. With my dragons and my dreams, I survived — no, I flourished. Imagination was my realm, seperate from reality.

As time passed, the very ideals I believed in made me certain that I shouldn’t keep on believing most in what is removed from the world. They also made me believe that the world of humans can contain things that might challenge even my love for this pure imagination. So a transition began.

Things have since changed. I have faced challenges, and hinders. Delving into the uncertainty of life can taint you, mislead you, and it can even kill you. Sometimes you want to give up, and believe that what you thought to be true, really wasn’t.

There are many ways to imagine the world. Cynicism is the lousiest of them all.

Now, I take a minute to look back. Where was I heading before, where am I heading now, and what is really the wisest? Some time ago, I wanted to become a dragon. Lately, I have tried becoming more human.

Do the two really conflict?

I used to think humans were limited and weak. Now, I have come to see what potential really lies in us. All we can see and feel is a part of us. If we feel great things, then great things can be in our life.

The way I see it, I have three choices. Either I can live with the happiness of imagination and the anguish of its lack in the physical world; or I can forget and suppress the imagination and try and see the physical world as more bright; or… I can see the imagination as my palette and the physical world as my canvas, transporting the inspiration of imagination, and letting magic into the mundane realm.

That is my dream. That, and the ability to fly, of course.

Why ever do we care, when all the castles we build, fall down eventually? Perhaps the point isn’t a happy ending, but a memorable adventure.

Life isn’t fair. Life hurts, stings, cripples. Life is a bitch and you can’t deny it. All our fights will be in vain, all effort will be erased, all will fall back to mercilessness. Cold logic is the way of it all, and cynicism is the way to accept it. There is no other option.

So goes the words of a dead man.

So what if resistance is futile? So what if there can never be a paradise on earth? So what if good things don’t last? At least they’re good while they do. It’s not the end result that matters, but what happened underway.

No, not all damsels in distress are saved by knights in shining armour. Kids die in accidents. People are murdered. It’ll always happen. It’s the way of the world, and it’s horrible!

But humanity resists! We make a difference. Many of us keep ideals and principles. We don’t live by experience and accept the world for what it is. We don’t go with the flow of the external world, but sustain the idea of a better one, and when given the power, we try to shift the external world towards that idea.

The world will always win. Whatever great feat you do, time will forget it. Fuck that! It is not the single feats, but the continuation of humanity, the continuation of the fight, that sustains it. The meaning. By fighting, by not accepting, by not growing cynical, you do not only do your part in creating a better world and making a difference from the wickedness of the world. You also gain a purpose.

Don’t do what others do because they do it. Think, and understand what ought to be different. Then practice that difference. If you manage to ignore your instinctive fear of being different, then congratulations, you’ve created something that’s you! Ignore those who don’t accept it, and gain friends in those who do. You just gained some real friends! Join them on adventures and save the world together. You just read the recipe for having a life.

The album tells me this: There’s always something to fight for. If you lack concrete things to devote your attention to (which a lot of us do, I daresay), then fight to remove that very fact! Fights in this sense are always fights for better days. Yet we look upon today’s human society, and we acknowledge that we’ve got everything and even that is not enough. This depresses us and makes us believe that there are no “better days”. So we forget and ignore that insistant feeling we have inside, the promise of wonder and happiness. We think things can’t improve, and so there is nothing to fight for. That’s when we need to fight to reactivate that wondrous feeling, fight to start believing again, fight to create something to fight for.

And somewhere across that line we might come to realize that the fight itself is the whole point.

The world is full of possibilities, of treasures and pitfalls. I implore you to forget the latter and aim for the former, or you might find yourself going in the wrong direction altogether.

So many possibilities. So many worlds. So many futures.

Which will I live? What have I got to choose from? Is the choice even mine?

How many joys have I forsaken already, what happiness have I excluded?

And if I were born in another time? Or on another planet, or in another universe altogether?

Believe it or not, this kind of thinking actually makes me feel very secure. I suppose it is because it removes my worries about the life I actually lead, it takes focus away from here and now. I am a dreamer. At least, I was, once. Not too long ago. I haven’t dreamt all that much the past year. But I want to dream again. For without dreams, there is only here and now, and currently that’s not all that exciting and adventurous.

But through dreams, I grow. They inspire me, they guide me. I look up at them and I believe in them, and then I shape my life here and now after those dreams. I refuse to shape my life in the image of the world it takes place in, for this world is tainted by so many who have given in to it and forgotten their own dreams. I know that if I give in and believe this world to be the only right, then such will be true for me and I will never know anything else. But if I hold on to my dreams, if I hold on to the belief of other worlds better than this one.. if I keep to the hope that my life can be a little more like in those worlds and little less like lives tend to be in this one, then such can be true, and happiness will be had. Despite the suffering and the pain that exists in this world (and with which the world would very much like to adorn me, should I come to expect it).

What I’m trying to say is this: Shape your life after what you want it to be. Not what you don’t want it to be. And don’t make your life a mosaic of others’ lives. It is your life, and you decide how you want it to be. You decide the limits, the definitions, and the rights and wrongs. Do not pay heed to expectations and norms when all they bring you is suffering and confusion. Do not look to others and punish yourself for not being like them. What matters is what you think is right, and that you do those things. Nobody has the right to change what you believe in and live by. That’s all up to you, and you alone know how to do it best. That’s the very concept of life!

I clearly need to watch The Time Machine more often.

This post tells about the need to have a safe home to come home to, the insecurity of not having one, and what you need to make one.

I’m not content right now. I’ve got this vague feeling like something needs fixing, something that’s gone wrong somewhere but that nobody’s noticed. It’s like the world used to be run properly, but then we all started neglecting it to stress over less important matters instead, and now we’ve all forgotten how it was and how it used to be run. I feel I should do something, I feel I should take control and make things work again, show people that the happiness of the past can return not only in our minds.

But things seem so different now, so much more complicated. Complication has tainted my mind, and ignorance has become a habit. I can see it happening and I work against it, but I cannot help but be carried away by the huge current. I knew once that there were refuges on top of the water, many of them. Refuges built on happiness, joy and friendship, built by those who share it, who know it and who can give it. Those refuges still exist, in new forms, for others, but I shy away from them. I do not feel at home in them. I visit sometimes and it inspires me greatly, for a while, but overall I’ve become an outsider.

I constantly try to build my own refuges. But they are mere shadows of those I remember. Though I wish to build them for others as well, they are made by and for myself, and I alone support them. And that’s not how it works at all.

However, I’m well aware that I’m not the only outsider. And you don’t need to be an outsider either to be troubled by this. The problem is independence. Before, I used to have little to no control over my own life. My family and my friends’ families controlled everything that happened in my life. They’d lived long lives already and they’d built several refuges between them; a network of houses on the water. In due time, we will also have built such for the next generation, and they will, hopefully, live happily in this safe haven. But what about those of us, here, now, who’ve left the nest of our childhood?

We’re in the cold of the river, swimming to find our own path. But we also need to find together. We need those refuges, and we can’t build them alone. Many of us aren’t good at building, or at cooperating, but letting that hinder you will never lead you to happiness. This is not the time to lay still in the water. Good friends are the most important thing of all when you’ve become independent.

Lastly, who says you can’t return home from time to time? We’re humans, and not birds. Leaving the nest does not mean you never go back, not at all. Of course, not all of us have the luxury of a safe home, but for those of us who do, it’s a great source of inspiration.

Drastic events and changes have befallen me since I last put some work into making an entry. But all in all I am still the same, possibly even more so, and I am now of a better and more purposeful design.

On my adventure I saw things that I thought could lie ahead of me. I sought and longed for these things, these myriads of premonitions and daydreams. But I was mistaken as to where the paths to them lay, and who they involved. What I saw exists further on through time, but I still do not know in which direction.

Actually, the dreams did not start alongside this adventure. For they were and are just that; dreams. Like all people have, like we all strive for. For years and years they’ve whispered to me hope and promises of especially happy days and moments, and for years I’ve never known how to reach them. I haven’t even always believed I ever could reach them. Tired of this state of being out of reach of my own dreams and desires, I jumped on a passing train that felt very right. Here, the dreams thrived and multiplied, and I felt my path was set. But the train brought me into unknown lands, lands where my power waned, where the columns supporting me — columns I have built and maintained — would erode and leave me helpless. And they did, for a while, and I let them. I wanted to see where the train went.

And not until then did I start noticing that the train was racing dangerously fast. I spoke up and enquired as to what was going on. Turns out things were not at all as I’d have hoped for. The train wasn’t planning to go anywhere at all, it couldn’t stop because its machinery was broken beyond my repair, and as for its heading, it was going straight through lands where my powers are useless.

But I was not shocked, because I had come to foresee it. I had just been naive and blind so far, and these lands were no lands of naivety and childplay. Though lingering a short moment in hope that things would magically work out, this proved dangerous for both my soul and my heart, and I eventually realized I had never had any business on that train. Determination dawning on me, I soared out and toward the sky with all my forgotten might. Only to find out that by staying so long I had become attached to the vehicle with an elastic string. The bond was not strong enough to bring me back, but it snapped and rebound on me. The impact threatened to break me, to the point that I found myself having to form an alliance within myself.

For years now I’ve been divided. When I observed my own being and saw it, I further defined myself that way. Many of my sides, characteristics and ideals I’ve centered on mythological beings. Officially it’s because it makes me able to aspire and set goals higher than if I were to have human role models. Humans are always good and evil in one, whereas a dragon and a unicorn can be pure, unmoveable, undefeatable, per definition! — they will never falter. Personally, it’s because I just feel there’s more than just this world we know. If not, then why can we imagine more, and why do we contain feelings that this world never will or can satisfy in itself?
So in short, I have the soul of a dragon, and the heart of a unicorn, in the body of a human. That’s the way it’s been. But the dragon has ruled, and the unicorn has been suppressed. That way I stayed happy and serene, though my feelings were limited and hard to keep. However, since the dragon isn’t all of me, that isn’t the right way of things. Trusting literature and passed-on knowledge, I’ve tried to ease my reign over my own heart, letting it breathe now and then. But I never trusted it.

I’ll do the symbolical version. During this recent adventure of mine, the dragon was badly injured. He flew into unknown lands and hit an invisible wall. In that weakened state, he could not endure the impact upon leaving the train. And after a series of small, curious revelations, the dragon acknowledged the unicorn, who gave his heart to the dragon, joining them in one being with a common will.

So there it is. I’ve made peace with myself. Furthermore, some of my attitudes have changed. Before jumping on that train, I never thought such an act was possible for me to do successfully. But during the ride I spent a lot of time thinking, and learning from it. I now feel more confident about my dealings in this world, and I feel more human.

And the journey continues.

Sometimes, if feels as if one’s attitude converges towards cynicism. There’s always someone able to thwart your hopes with due right. But what if there is a seperation between fact and feeling, and what if cynicism is just one of many emotional perspectives?

A large part of the world has gone blind. Cynical. Bitter. Cold and depressed. There are a whole lot of people who concider themselves to be “honest” or “truthful”, and all they know and tell is misery. All of the things that are wrong in the world – suffering, selfishness, abuse, brutality and corruption. I sense we’re in a pessimistic period where noone trusts their own governments. I wouldn’t say it’s bad to be critical, but it’s funny how we’re never happy with it and how we always see the bad sides of all actions taken by the controlling forces.
Many people have a perception of the world as a rotten apple, full of corruption and only negative sides.

It’s so strange that we never wonder WHY we think so. Why are we unhappy with the world? It’s because we imagine what would be better and we want it to be that way. Most humans on the face of this planet wants the world to be a better place. Doesn’t that mean, symbolically, that we have a core of goodness?

Regardless of what you feel about that, we still have these thoughts about better worlds. And even if we go that way or not with the actual world, aren’t the thoughts a good thing by themselves?
Think about the music you like best. It’s likely to have some sort of overworldly, wonderful atmosphere. Wouldn’t you call this music a positive feature in the world? Well, humans made it. The same goes for all stories, books, movies, tv-games, all philosophy and all thoughts, even all fantasy. I think many are forgetting about the humans behind all of it and the effort and feeling they put into it. There are so many humans in the world wanting goodness and making goodness. These people you don’t hear about frequently. But they don’t mind. They’re not seeking fame or power.

Media is all about bad things. Bad times and unexpected actions are often all that’s etched into history. Somehow it’s what people want to hear and see. Might be an instinct that makes us more alert of danger. Although this might come in handy, it’s utterly misguiding. In a world of this size, there are enough bad things to cover your whole area of vision every day of the year. I’d say the focus on the corruption is the real corruption, a mental corruption.

Yet, we know bad because we know good. If we only knew bad then we wouldn’t be so unhappy, because we wouldn’t know any better. Our discontent shows there must be a contrast in the world, there must be good. And everything that’s just the slight inch better than bad is man-made. You might say nature is good and not man-made, but tell me, is nature really that good if there’s no human there to say so? We humans have a really flexible mind. We come from a nature in which your own good is the only important issue, so where the heck did all these ideas of better worlds where everyone’s happy come from? Hard to say, but based on this I’d say we humans are the most good being on the face of this planet.

As I said, we have flexible minds. We have a broad spectrum of feelings. The discontent shows that the spectrum extends far into much better feelings that we have in the world today. And all the good we have created proves those feelings aren’t just a trial version, we can have them and use them like any other feeling.

The problem is achieving this. There are so many dimensions in the world – transitions that can be made from one state to another. But how do you move through these dimensions? Heck, what muscle do you use to move in the fourth space dimension? That is impossible, but emotional dimensions are different. You can open your mind and make it follow other habits, thoughts and feelings, but you can’t be taught how. You have to find the right muscle yourself. When you do, you might eventually realise how you’ve been standing still your whole life, maybe in a puddle, maybe at the edge of a cliff. Things you took as granted were impossible become accomplishable, you manage to see things a different way, outside the box.

I feel I have moved though several dimensions like this. My view on most things has changed, I am able to see every side of issues. I see this a a great achievement, but I also see it as unfair for those who are stuck in fixed dimensional positions, unhappy with the world, their life, or just about anything.

I don’t care much for the physical world. My position in it is not important to me – I don’t want wealth, fame or power. I want happiness, contentness and good feelings. That enables me to keep a distance from any corruption. The last thing I want is to make more of that. I won’t take advantage of others for my own good because I don’t need to do that to get what I want. I am free to choose how to take on the world. Although, I’ve already made that choice.
I will do what is in my power and ability to spread goodness. I want people to realize it’s there, and enable them to take their deserved part of it. I will not make anything big out of it, because it can’t be done that way, at least not by me. I will do my best to influence those around me and anyone in need.

Strangers are not really less than friends to me. I want to give everyone the same chance. If someone I don’t know asks for help, I will provide it if I can. I will try to answer any question and share my experience and thoughts wherever I feel they can help, given that my assistance is accepted.
However small my influence will be, anything is more than nothing and it does make a difference. Dragons or not, I see no reason to give up on this world.