In the year that was, I succeeded in getting better acquainted with my soul. I shall uphold that bond, but this year, I will try to access my heart, too. Too long have I hidden it, shrouded it and unsuccessfully tried to shield it from the outside world. This year, I shall muster up courage and faith and face my fears and anxieties. Somehow I believe those come from the heart, whom I have so mistreated.

It is also time for me to shake off some more apathy. These past years by myself have faced me with many challenges and new situations, many of whom I have avoided altogether. Now I am more experienced, and I can apply my abilities of problem solving to set things right. I’ll build, I’ll fix, and I’ll create my own life. I will take responsibility for myself. I’d be a joke for a man if I could never muster the wits to see this necessity.

And in the midst of all this, I want to do creative works. I have already begun to brainstorm, with snippets of music, writings and photography. The idiocy of my neglecting side would have me sit and whine while these abilities rust.

In short, I will recover all the lost and more.

I have one emotion that I hold in high regard as the one I bring with me into this new year. It is an emotion I have not felt in a long time, which I now feel in a rather peculiar and, you might say, imaginary fashion. It is a feeling of being in love, but it stems from music and from a most fictitious story. I am merely observing this emotion.

So. A track for the newborn year: Rebecca Kneubuhl – Guide You Home

Time and thought can be dangerous tools. I love it when things make sense, so as time passes and sense doesn’t present itself, my mind paints sense. Just like those speculations. As more time passes, I’ve thought about it so much that it’s irrelevant whether I believe it’s true or not. It’s become part of my horizon, and my involuntary trust in it will make it true. I daresay that this really is how some of us grow up.

Through a misconception and a loss of hope.

I will not blame the world for my own shortcomings. I will not close my eyes to all that lies beyond. Through a recent twist of fate or coincidence, I’ve been given the chance to face my worst fears — people. It does wonders to my self-image, and I feel that fallen parts of myself are rising up.

I just lacked somewhere to use them.

Every joy I feel, I want to share. Every good thing I discover, I want to pass on. If doing that was easy, I would be a very happy person, for I have so much to share. But it’s not easy, so I always try to refine my methods. It’s not like striving to be accepted, which is generally a bad thing. No, I strive merely to become a better person, a better friend, a better mentor. A better father.

I’ve actually thought about fatherhood a deal lately. Perhaps it’s because I’ve recently managed to form a mental image of the ideal paternal spirit: the caring, compassionate, strong, wise, never-failing fatherly role. I suddenly understood better why some religious people are so caught up in characters like Jesus, an example of such a spirit. Another example is Aslan, from The Chronicles of Narnia. Both are genuinely caring characters that you just know you can trust, rely on to make things better, who do not waver or doubt. I understand the attitudes and ideals that form the basis of this spirit, this archetype, and I want to give it my best shot at living up to the same role when my time comes. I believe I can be a good father

I guess … I guess this actually provides me with something to fight for. I’ve been a bit short on that lately. Yes, I can fight for this. A possible future. My future children. They’ll need me to be strong, so why not start towards that goal right away? They won’t want to be hearing about how I couldn’t pull myself together and become strong for them because I spent my youth being heartbroken, lonely and anxious.

I’m a goddamn genious.

Inspiration, yes. It’s what I’m all about. And from this moment on, I’ll be just a little more stubborn in my ways, a little less respectful of the society’s norms and expectations, and a deal more self-confident. Sure, with all I’ve just said, I could instead profess that, from this day on, I’ll be radically different. But experience shows that’s not the way it works. And that’s a good thing. So this is one more step, one of many, towards the future I seek. The soil beneath my feet is not mud and pebble, but dreams and inspiration, hope and confidence, love and compassion. I do not choose my way from what I know exists. I make my own way. Step by step.

This entry in other words: I started playing Baten Kaitos: Eternal Wings and the Lost Ocean today. I absolutely love it so far, because of the wonderful score, and I want the whole world to play it, to feel it.

The world is full of possibilities, of treasures and pitfalls. I implore you to forget the latter and aim for the former, or you might find yourself going in the wrong direction altogether.

So many possibilities. So many worlds. So many futures.

Which will I live? What have I got to choose from? Is the choice even mine?

How many joys have I forsaken already, what happiness have I excluded?

And if I were born in another time? Or on another planet, or in another universe altogether?

Believe it or not, this kind of thinking actually makes me feel very secure. I suppose it is because it removes my worries about the life I actually lead, it takes focus away from here and now. I am a dreamer. At least, I was, once. Not too long ago. I haven’t dreamt all that much the past year. But I want to dream again. For without dreams, there is only here and now, and currently that’s not all that exciting and adventurous.

But through dreams, I grow. They inspire me, they guide me. I look up at them and I believe in them, and then I shape my life here and now after those dreams. I refuse to shape my life in the image of the world it takes place in, for this world is tainted by so many who have given in to it and forgotten their own dreams. I know that if I give in and believe this world to be the only right, then such will be true for me and I will never know anything else. But if I hold on to my dreams, if I hold on to the belief of other worlds better than this one.. if I keep to the hope that my life can be a little more like in those worlds and little less like lives tend to be in this one, then such can be true, and happiness will be had. Despite the suffering and the pain that exists in this world (and with which the world would very much like to adorn me, should I come to expect it).

What I’m trying to say is this: Shape your life after what you want it to be. Not what you don’t want it to be. And don’t make your life a mosaic of others’ lives. It is your life, and you decide how you want it to be. You decide the limits, the definitions, and the rights and wrongs. Do not pay heed to expectations and norms when all they bring you is suffering and confusion. Do not look to others and punish yourself for not being like them. What matters is what you think is right, and that you do those things. Nobody has the right to change what you believe in and live by. That’s all up to you, and you alone know how to do it best. That’s the very concept of life!

I clearly need to watch The Time Machine more often.

Drastic events and changes have befallen me since I last put some work into making an entry. But all in all I am still the same, possibly even more so, and I am now of a better and more purposeful design.

On my adventure I saw things that I thought could lie ahead of me. I sought and longed for these things, these myriads of premonitions and daydreams. But I was mistaken as to where the paths to them lay, and who they involved. What I saw exists further on through time, but I still do not know in which direction.

Actually, the dreams did not start alongside this adventure. For they were and are just that; dreams. Like all people have, like we all strive for. For years and years they’ve whispered to me hope and promises of especially happy days and moments, and for years I’ve never known how to reach them. I haven’t even always believed I ever could reach them. Tired of this state of being out of reach of my own dreams and desires, I jumped on a passing train that felt very right. Here, the dreams thrived and multiplied, and I felt my path was set. But the train brought me into unknown lands, lands where my power waned, where the columns supporting me — columns I have built and maintained — would erode and leave me helpless. And they did, for a while, and I let them. I wanted to see where the train went.

And not until then did I start noticing that the train was racing dangerously fast. I spoke up and enquired as to what was going on. Turns out things were not at all as I’d have hoped for. The train wasn’t planning to go anywhere at all, it couldn’t stop because its machinery was broken beyond my repair, and as for its heading, it was going straight through lands where my powers are useless.

But I was not shocked, because I had come to foresee it. I had just been naive and blind so far, and these lands were no lands of naivety and childplay. Though lingering a short moment in hope that things would magically work out, this proved dangerous for both my soul and my heart, and I eventually realized I had never had any business on that train. Determination dawning on me, I soared out and toward the sky with all my forgotten might. Only to find out that by staying so long I had become attached to the vehicle with an elastic string. The bond was not strong enough to bring me back, but it snapped and rebound on me. The impact threatened to break me, to the point that I found myself having to form an alliance within myself.

For years now I’ve been divided. When I observed my own being and saw it, I further defined myself that way. Many of my sides, characteristics and ideals I’ve centered on mythological beings. Officially it’s because it makes me able to aspire and set goals higher than if I were to have human role models. Humans are always good and evil in one, whereas a dragon and a unicorn can be pure, unmoveable, undefeatable, per definition! — they will never falter. Personally, it’s because I just feel there’s more than just this world we know. If not, then why can we imagine more, and why do we contain feelings that this world never will or can satisfy in itself?
So in short, I have the soul of a dragon, and the heart of a unicorn, in the body of a human. That’s the way it’s been. But the dragon has ruled, and the unicorn has been suppressed. That way I stayed happy and serene, though my feelings were limited and hard to keep. However, since the dragon isn’t all of me, that isn’t the right way of things. Trusting literature and passed-on knowledge, I’ve tried to ease my reign over my own heart, letting it breathe now and then. But I never trusted it.

I’ll do the symbolical version. During this recent adventure of mine, the dragon was badly injured. He flew into unknown lands and hit an invisible wall. In that weakened state, he could not endure the impact upon leaving the train. And after a series of small, curious revelations, the dragon acknowledged the unicorn, who gave his heart to the dragon, joining them in one being with a common will.

So there it is. I’ve made peace with myself. Furthermore, some of my attitudes have changed. Before jumping on that train, I never thought such an act was possible for me to do successfully. But during the ride I spent a lot of time thinking, and learning from it. I now feel more confident about my dealings in this world, and I feel more human.

And the journey continues.