Throughout my life, I have often been deviant. There are things I never understood, interests I never shared, phases I never visited. Luckily, I didn’t mind much being left alone, to do the things I wanted the way I liked.
Still, I have often contemplated on having missed out on several years of my life. Years I could’ve learned what all the others did, years I could’ve understood them and the world better. Instead of being alone in my room, I could’ve been in the company of good friends, doing something we all liked doing together. And in the presence of these good friends, I could’ve grown more as a human being.
Having returned from an inspiring adventure, I am now ready to resume using this journal.
Drastic events and changes have befallen me since I last put some work into making an entry. But all in all I am still the same, possibly even more so, and I am now of a better and more purposeful design.
On my adventure I saw things that I thought could lie ahead of me. I sought and longed for these things, these myriads of premonitions and daydreams. But I was mistaken as to where the paths to them lay, and who they involved. What I saw exists further on through time, but I still do not know in which direction.
Actually, the dreams did not start alongside this adventure. For they were and are just that; dreams. Like all people have, like we all strive for. For years and years they’ve whispered to me hope and promises of especially happy days and moments, and for years I’ve never known how to reach them. I haven’t even always believed I ever could reach them. Tired of this state of being out of reach of my own dreams and desires, I jumped on a passing train that felt very right. Here, the dreams thrived and multiplied, and I felt my path was set. But the train brought me into unknown lands, lands where my power waned, where the columns supporting me — columns I have built and maintained — would erode and leave me helpless. And they did, for a while, and I let them. I wanted to see where the train went.
We’re living in a world where information is power, where art is commercial and everything is analyzed based on its usefulness to our mundane purposes. Here, a weary mind remembers the falseness of this and tries to look for more.
What is grass to you? What about your room? Christmas? A bottle of water?
If all your answers are equally logic and explainable, if you were able to define them all, you might want to hear me out.
Sometimes I wonder.. what if the things I treasure — fantasy and its beauty — will some day mean nothing to me? What if I will one day picture a dark, enigmatic castle in front of a magnificent stormy sky full of roaring dragons and fire.. and feel nothing? It could happen, such things do happen to many people. They lose the magic, the touch, for a while at least. Fact is, even the most wonderful image you can ever imagine, is nothing at all without the feeling that comes with it, a feeling that is not part of the image but of your mind. The magic of the image. But what the heck is the magic, and why can’t we keep it?
Sometimes, if feels as if one’s attitude converges towards cynicism. There’s always someone able to thwart your hopes with due right. But what if there is a seperation between fact and feeling, and what if cynicism is just one of many emotional perspectives?
A large part of the world has gone blind. Cynical. Bitter. Cold and depressed. There are a whole lot of people who concider themselves to be “honest” or “truthful”, and all they know and tell is misery. All of the things that are wrong in the world – suffering, selfishness, abuse, brutality and corruption. I sense we’re in a pessimistic period where noone trusts their own governments. I wouldn’t say it’s bad to be critical, but it’s funny how we’re never happy with it and how we always see the bad sides of all actions taken by the controlling forces.
Many people have a perception of the world as a rotten apple, full of corruption and only negative sides.
It’s so strange that we never wonder WHY we think so. Why are we unhappy with the world? It’s because we imagine what would be better and we want it to be that way. Most humans on the face of this planet wants the world to be a better place. Doesn’t that mean, symbolically, that we have a core of goodness?