For a long while, I successfully suppressed the angst in myself, because I had become able to do it, and I knew that angst was stupid emo business. But I’ve changed my mind. Now I try to seek my sorrows, because they are there for a reason. Either I should resolve them, or I should at least acknowledge their existence.

The following text is made the way I prefer to write. It is not an essay, not a message, but a description of a fleeting chain of feelings, written while those feelings are strongly present. This is the kind of thing that makes me feel alive.

“One can’t expect too much from me. I’m no average person in an average state. Wounds have formed in me, and I need to heal. This is no illness, no fault in me, but a fact. I am depressed at certain times. All that has come to pass, has set its mark on me. The sorrow is part of me now, I let it reside in my being, because that is how I turn it into something meaningful. Because of this, there are now paths I must walk, phases I must pass through.”

“It is hard to do alone. I stagnate. Years have passed, and I am still not free from myself. Still I am impatient and anxious, but I am learning, the hard way. One day, things will be very different. Yet some emotions will never go away; I have responsibility for the sorrow, now. I must take care of it as I take care of myself.”

“The situation would be different, had I taken another course through time. There would be less sorrow. But that is not how it is. I am what I am, I have what I have, and I must start from there. Not from the level that the expectations of others would have preferred. They must understand this, respect it and help me to walk my paths. Without this, I can go nowhere. Without friends I keep on shrinking. To make it even harder, I have not been blessed with the ability to form close friendships. I retreat into my own sorrow rather than share it with others. I just don’t have that confidence in those around me.”

“And so I wait for the one person that I can truly confide in. The one person that can save me; set me free; turn me into myself; open my heart and stay with me. It is the only way I can feel, the only one that feels right. This is what my heart seeks, and if I do not listen to it, it will stop talking to me, as it has before.”

Sarah Brightman – Deliver Me

Don’t fall down into ignorance when there’s something that needs your attention. Doing nothing is also a choice, and sometimes the worst one, but oh, so easy to make.

The world is exactly what we make it into.

Anything we choose to nourish, it will grow.

And anything we choose to neglect, it will wither.

Neglect — and the loss is leads to — is the easiest to accomplish. It requires no hard work, it needs no grand plans and ideals. Do nothing, and withering will come to the world all on its own. Let it stay, and it will set root. Rely on it, and it will grow.

Many are okay with this. We are content with finding shelter for the storm, staying out of sight from the forces that seek to defeat us. I can feel this in myself. Burnt by failure, I am inclined to ignore the challenges I have not yet overcome; exhausted by struggle, I would rather not indulge myself in any more fights— not for ideals, not for others, not even for myself; and alienated by the very corruption that is my nemesis, I lose focus and attachment to any cause. As you might notice. What was I talking about again?

War.

Humanity has reached the stage where the greatest wars and conflicts are inside us, and not among us. With no external hardship to guide our hopes, our ambitions and our dreams, the hardship moves inside and challenges us in a new way. The war becomes abstract, the path unclear. And most of all, prevalence becomes optional. Being on the losing or the winning side makes no difference for our survival.

But this is not about individualism. It is about the challenge to overcome hindrance, the challenge to act when you know you should. Lest neglect will feast on your spirit.

My message is this: do not lose sight of the horizon. Whereas bad things can come from neglect, good things will need both time and effort. Love, for instance, needs to mature under hard work. Art requires an open mind and the application of creativity. Most of the good things in life is a mixture of both, and their success will need both attention and devotion.

Don’t chicken out on life.